When you are trying to learn about yourself, you often look to the people around you.   More often than not, this brings you to the members of your family.  I’m not going to get into specifics but I got a few stories for you.  These are people I know and the stories are real.

1st Story

There is grandmother who loves her family.  She has spent her entire life working to make sure her family had more than she had.  Her and her husband had 5 kids.  They raised their family in a house with no running water.  Understand this.  No running water.  No bathroom, they had to pee and poop in a bucket.  No shower, they had to bathe in a basins. If you wanted drinking water, you had to go outside and pump it from a well.

The woman lost her husband and realized she had to bear the weight of her family.  At the age of 64, she went back to work to take care of her grown children and their children.  Then her children move out and leave their children with the grandmother.

The grandmother does what she’s always done, step up and take care of her family.  Years pass and her home of 50 years is deteriorating due to lack of upkeeping.  The now grown grandchildren have done nothing with their lives and still live in the house.  They sell drugs, have parties, and demand the attention of the local police.

In one raid of the house, a pollice officer decided he was going to report the bad structure of the house over all.  The county came and told the grandmother her house was to be condemned because it was unliveable.  They were all instructed to move out within 90 days.

The grandmother moved in with her oldest daughter and all the grand kids found other places to live.  One of the grandmother’s co-workers felt so bad about the situation, she wrote a letter to a foundation in the community explaining the sacrifices of the grandmother.  This foundation decided to re-build the house for the her.

The grandmother was so excited.  On move in day, she threw a big party and eveyone came to see her new house.  It was beautiful.  All new appliances, fresh paint, clean floors, and  two bathrooms.

How long do you think this house stayed like that?

2nd story

There was a single mother of three raising her kids in a 3 bedroom house.  Her older brother hadn’t really done anything with his life and was currrently occupying one of the bedrooms.

Let me introduce you a little to the brother.   He was a Honor’s graduate that joined the army after High School.  He purposely got kicked out because he wanted to keep an eye on his girlfriend at the time.  When he got home, he and his girlfriend broke up.

He found another girlfriend that wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.  She got him enrolled in college and found them a place to live where he wouldn’t be near bad influences.  He was a great artist and even got scholarships to pay for college.

When he got the check, he cashed it and bought a pack to sell.  Eventually he dropped out of school because he was making a little money selling crack.  Things didn’t turn out that well for him, so he found himself living back with his sister.

Their father never played a role in their lives.  Both blame him but the sister has compassion.  She understood that he had been sick for a long time and he really coundn’t have done much for them.  So, when the father’s house burned down, the sister invited him to live with her.

Here comes the problem.  The brother isn’t having it.  He argues with the sister about the father’s presence.  He says that anyone that doesn’t take care of their children, shouldn’t be taken care of.

Did I forget to mention, the brother had a kid by both women and doesn’t take care of either?

3rd Story

There is a woman that needs to belong.  She was spoiled by her mother her entire life because her mother made so many bad decisions when it came to men.  When she would pick a bad man, her child would get a treat.  When she got a black eye, her daughter got a mustang.  When she got a broken rib, her daughter got a trip for her and her friends to Florida.   When she got robbed, her daughter got 50% of the proceeds from selling her house.

The mother decided to move away but the women didn’t want to go with her.   She was excited about starting a new life for herself.  She took the money and bought a house.  Soon she came to realize she missed having a family around.

So, the first guy that payed her any attention, she grabbed hold of and refused to let him go.  Even after he tried to sell her mustang.  Even after he took her T.V., D.V.D. player, and emptied her checking account.  She decided she would change him by having his child.

I don’t even have to tell you, this didn’t work.  The woman soon found herself surrounded by his family and they all had their hand out.  You can afford this house, you got money you can lend me.  You drive a bad ass car, you can let me use it.  You have an extra bedroom, why can’t I stay?

The women was so scarred of being alone, she let all these things come to pass.  Soon, her car was crashed, she was now late on all her bills, and she had to get restraining orders to keep people from coming to her house whenever they wanted.

But she refused to let go of the man that brought all these problems into her life.  Instead, she figures the first kid didn’t make him change but I’m sure the second one will.

Do you think anything changed for her?

The Point

Stop looking at the people around you.  O.K.  maybe I didn’t put that right.  Stop looking at the people around you, if you are trying to figure out who you are.

See, I want to have the hard work ethic of the Grandmother.  I want to have the compassion of the single mother.  I want to have the family aura of the woman.  But they all come at such a high cost.  At least if taken at face value.

I’m not the nicest person.  I try but I find it hard sometimes.  I’ve had conversations with the subjects of all three stories and they are all so nice.  They believe no matter what is happening now, one day it will all make sense.

It makes no sense to me.  I don’t understand why you thought a new house would make your grandchildren show respect.  I don’t understand why grandchildren would destroy something that meant so much to their grandmother.  I don’t understand why you would take care of a grown man, when there is nothing physically wrong with him.  I don’t understand why you take care of three kids, work a full time job, and still have to cut grass when there is a grown ass man living in your house.  I don’t understand why you do great by yourself but are constantly looking for someone to compliment you on it.  I don’t understand why you accept the compliment when it comes with an out reached hand.

So I’m done looking around.  It’s time to let them go, even though they are family.  Like I said before, I know how to take the lessons and leave the rest.  None of these stories have a happy ending.  The grandmother said she was done.  She moved out of her new home.  The single mother is now sharing a bedroom with her oldest daughter.   The woman finally stood up and now has to deal with being hated for doing so.

They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.  I can find a better place to expand my energy.

If you don’t know, I was adopted as a child.  I knew my biological Mother and Father but was raised by an angel.  My mom was a single mother with two kids of her own.  She took me in and treated me like I was one of her own.

Back in the day, I didn’t understand the struggle of taking in another child.  I didn’t understand how much it takes to raise one child, not to mention three.  I didn’t know there were people who put the needs of others so far ahead of their own needs.  And yet I was blessed by this beautiful woman to have a life filled with love, family, and God.

I want to share something with you.  I found out my mother was sick on Monday.  I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on Tuesday and my mom passed that night.  I came from the Hospital and wrote this:

Little child, all alone.

Come live with me, I’ll give you a home

I don’t have much in the physical sense

But I can give you something truly heaven sent

I can give you love, a place you belong

I’ll show you God’s love, how to be strong

I’ll give you solid ground on which you can grow

I’ll teach you to learn more than I could know

A lifetime worth of laughter, all the love I’ve known

Take my hand little child to never again be alone

This is what my mother gave to me.  She gave me the sense of belonging.   And my heart is always with her.

I hope she knows.

Dear Readers,

I’m guessing you know I’m a real opinionated person.  I get on this blog everyday and write what ever comes to mind.  I find it an useful release to my daily life.  Well, things are getting more complicated by the day.

This blog has opened up a lot of opportunities for me.  In the future I’ll make more of these public, like the publishing of my first novel, YES.  But it comes at a high price.

When barriers are knocked down in front of you, you realize that some of those barriers were the people you surrounded yourself with.   The people you thought would have your back no matter what are actually the people that don’t want to see you succeed.

The one’s that encouraged your efforts in the first place become the one’s that tell you to slow down.  Or they tell you to change who you are.  Or they ask you if you think you are better than them.  This leads you to wonder if there is really a problem with you.

Or at least, it leads me down that path.  I just realized something really important I want to share with you.  Maybe it is you.  I know that seems funny but there is reason behind my madness.

You are growing.  You are changing.  And it’s all right.  I am growing and changing and that’s O.K. too.  The problem is the people around us are not doing the same.  I’m going to steal a great peice of wisdom I got from Specta.  Ask yourself, “Have I known you for 5 years or did I know you 5 years ago.”

I’ve been struggling with this concept for about a week now.  And it’s not any easy problem to solve because no matter what answer you get, it’s still been 5 years of your life invested in this person.  Whether it’s a best friend, a lover, a business partner, or a pastor, that person had to have made an impact on your life during that time period.  It’s hard to not hold that in account when you’re thinking about the changes you are going through.

But it has to be done.   I’m changing.  My writing is even suffering a little because of it.   I’m so stuck in trying to figure out my personal, I get lost keeping up with the rest of what’s going on.  I go back and try to change passages in my novel I thought were perfect a week ago.  Topics I have for my blog get put off because I want to re-examine my positions with my new set of eyes.

And it’s beginning to take a toll on me.  Rest assure, I’m not complaining.  I’m just enlightening myself as well as anyone that likes what I normally write.  Things are changing and my blog will reflect that.  The person I am meant to become will reflect that.

So please bear with me through this transition.  Hopefully it won’t be as bad as I think but good things rarely come without a shit load of the bad.  So I’m digging in and bracing myself.   It should be fun to see where I come out in the end.

Thanks for all the support and hang on.  I think this is going to be one hell of a ride.

Sonskystar

I don’t know how old this video is.  I was looking for a video of a Cam’ron song I love and ran across it.  The sad part is Cam’ron shitted on the song.  Watch the Video, then I’ll explain.

Assholes. O.K. I really didn’t mean that. I meant Cam’ron is an Asshole. Sorry for the language but you don’t mind when they say it, so why should you care if I do?

I took Dame Dash out of my asshole comment because I think he really does show it’s cool to be smart. If you remember the show he had on BET, “Ultimate Hustler”, you can understand why I give him a pass. I learned a lot from that show. Never leave the house without your name on your clothes. (Please, if you want to buy name brand clothes, invest in the company and make some money in the process). Make sure the people around you are also hustlers. I mean his show was packed with insight on how to make in any industry. I have no beef with Dame Dash on this matter.

Now back to Cam’ron. He is the epitome of what’s wrong with Hip Hop. On his first album, Cam’ron had a song called D. Rugs. It is by far my favorite song by Cam’ron.  If you haven’t heard it, you need to.

It’s about Cam’ron’s mother’s addiction to drugs and how he got pulled into the game.  It’s a real story of what’s going on in the hood told in a positive manner.  It didn’t glorify the drug game, it told you the real consequences behind the drug game.  His mother ending up in the hospital and him ending up in handcuffs.  I loved Cam’ron for that song.

Then comes the PINK era.  I don’t know what happened to make him forget the truth.  All of a sudden, it’s cool to sell drugs again.  You are a man if you know how to run a block.  And real men can wear PINK from head to toe and still be cool.

That’s bullshit.  How could you write a song that shows so much raw emotion, then turn back into drug selling pimp.  Am I being judgemental?  Hell yeah.  I’m mad.  I’m losing artist to believe in.

Now let’s take a little look back at the interview.  O.K.  So you write what’s really going on in the hood.  This is what gets left out.  You are no longer in the hood.  You get robbed when you go to the hood, but you don’t sing about that.  Why?  Because then you would be the punk in your own song.

Why don’t you rap about the struggles of opening your own record label.  I mean that’s what you did, right.  Why not put all your struggles on record and let people know the problems they face are faced by everyone.  That would give them some push to keep going.  Instead you continue to rap about the things you used to do, not the things you are currently doing.

And when you get called on it, you bring up movies.  With that, I’ll bring back Dame Dash.  You two make movies.  Are they tales about how to make it out the hood?  No.  It’s back to showing only the negative.  Then you turn around and ask someone else to point out the positive.  Are you serious?

You don’t point out the positive.  You still make the kid going to school seem like a square and the dudes hustling on the corner seem like the cool guys.  I understand that’s really how the hood is but is that the way to change it.  To see those that made it out continuously using the bad to promote themselves.  Does it matter if you talk to 150 students when your albums and movies reach Millions?

Then when you mix the two, the old Cam’ron with the new, you get nothing but a mixed message.  It’s cool to be smart but you still have to sell drugs to fit in.  It’s cool to start your own business but you have to buy a big car the moment you do.   And don’t even get me started on the subject of Women.

For this Dame Dash gets a Fuck You.  I’m sure you have all heard the stories of how Dash treated the girls at the video shoots.  Throwing champagne on them, calling them out their names, and basically treating them like they are nothing.  I don’t blame him because if I was one of those girls, a real news story would come to pass.  “Female beats the shit out of Dame Dash with his own bottle.”

But the message is still there.  Men with power can treat women anyway they choose.  There are women, god bless their souls, that actually accept this treatment.  And as long as they accept it, there will be men that are willing to throw it out.  That’s something us females have to fix.

Back to Cam’ron.  He has another great song on his first CD.  I think it’s called “It’s all good”.  It’s about a man loving a woman.  Yet again, one of my favorite Hip Hop songs and then comes PINK Cam’ron calling us all hoes and tricks.  This is where I get pissed off.

I don’t care if you point out a few women and call them names.  I know some of these women and they don’t mind.   But you can’t point to us all with a single stroke.  So when you say ALL WOMEN are this or that, you are degrading us.  Yet again, I won’t blame Cam’ron.  I will criticize but I won’t blame.

There are more women in this country than there are men.  If we refused to buy any album where blanket statements are made about whole groups, we would change Hip Hop.  We don’t have to complain or protest, all we have to do is stop spending.  This is what I do.   If the first song you put on the radio is filled with blanket statements, then I won’t buy the album.  The C.D. could be filled with great songs but you choose to put the commercial ones first, then you won’t get me to buy your music.  It’s that simple.

Probably explains why I haven’t bought a Cam’ron record since the first one.

Oh, I forgot the main reason I was writing this.  The issue of whether they care or not.  Cam’ron said there should be more parent teacher conferences.   This is my question.  Cam’ron go back to the time when you were living your D. Rugs song.  Would your addict mother go to the school for a parent teacher conference?  I’m not trying to be mean when I say that.  I know what addiction does to a family.  I know what it’s like for a child watching their parents ruin any chance of a decent upbringing.   How can you honestly say it has to be the parents, only.

I’m one of those parents that listens to Disney songs when my daughter is in the car.  I plan on going to every teacher’s conference my daughter has.  But the truth is, D. Rugs is present in to many of our households.  D. Rugs has more sway with some parents than any teacher ever could.   And just imagine being the child that has to bring their drug addicted parent to school for everyone to see.

Cam’ron has really moved up in the world.  In doing so, he has forgotten where he came from.  He has forgotten what it felt like to be that child.  And that’s a shame because there are kids out there that would love to hear that version of a C.E.O.’s life.   Why are you not responsible for making sure everyone knows that version of the story?

Placing blame else where will not change our situation.  I’m sure you didn’t blame one record label and that’s what got your foot in at another.  Or did you forget that too.

For those of you who say I bash black politicians, you are wrong.  I bash politicians that rail against free market, family values, self responsibility, and the right to life.  This doesn’t come in color, it comes in my values.

With that being said, Yes, I have a black man to support.  Michael Steele, the former Lt. Governor of Maryland.  I have given my support to the grassroots effort of electing Steele to head the RNC.  Here is the interview with Steele hearing our call for new leadership in the Republican Party.

You can throw your support behind Michael Steele.   Sign the petition and let the Republican Party know we mean business.  Change is coming and this is change I can actually believe in.
Draft Michael Steele

“We are no longer fighting to sit at the diner. We are now fighting to own the diner.” Michael Steele

Once we understand this, we can really bring change.